that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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