Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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