They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize