I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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