There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
