you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
