We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize