I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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