If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
