saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Bring me that man meat
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
