On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
