God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
