I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
