a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
there is glitter all over my balls
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize