dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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