Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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