I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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