Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
