Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
