why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
