every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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