Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
