I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
