Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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