hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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