Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
