So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
