His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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