I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
