Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
