Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
