I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
