My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
you had me at cake vodka
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
