when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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