either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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