She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize