my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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