The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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