Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize