I hope mine doesn't look like that
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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