i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
