get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
