if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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