I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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