I've blown a few things in my day
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
