I cannot find my penis.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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