My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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