I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You need Xanax blowdarts
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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