She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
