i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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