That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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