My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Who died my cat blue again?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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