just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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