It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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